Reflection
by Padfootfan
Summary: Hermione stuggles with a beauty she cannot grasp
1. Default Chapter

A/n: this chapter is short I know, but its only the beginning, hold with me, tell what you think.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING THAT IS SEEN HERE. HARRY POTTER IS NOT MINE.. DUH!!

REFLECTION

It all started when summer started, mom had a comment about my weight, the occasional joke was thrown between my parents about me. At first I laughed along thinking 'its only a joke' then I started to look closer at my body, doing a double take ever time I went by the mirror, I started to see things that weren't there before. The 'space' between my thighs was, in my eyes gone, my hips where huge, and I had roles. Mom kept on with the jokes " honey, you wont fit in that, where is your mind" or " is that a role?" and she'd tweak at my stomach. Time went on and the jokes still came in spades, disgust would cross my face when I looked down. Then exercise was put into action, I pushed myself hard, doing 500 sit ups a day, trying to get ride of my burdens. Then that wasn't enough, I needed to stop eating so much,' god what am I a cow?' I would think to myself when looking at my diner plat. A month into summer I had completely lost it, my thoughts would vary from ' is this too much food' to 'no, I don't need all of that, take some away!'

"Sweetheart? Would you like to go on an errand with me? To the grocery store?" mother asked sweetly " yes mom, I'll go." once at the grocery store she instructed me to get what id like, since she and father would most likely not have time to make anything for diner, I nodded in comprehension, setting out to get something extremely low fat. After about five minutes I returned to my mother with my hand filled with vegetables and salad, by her facial expression I could tell she was not pleased " that's what you want?" she asked annoyed " yes" I replied in a small voice hoping I had not upset her " alright then, put them in the basket we are leaving" she snapped I followed he like a lost puppy. Once home I decided mother was not please because of how much I got. 'Look at you, eating like a pig! Yuck' a little voice would taunt me. From then on I decided that food was not important and that I needn't eat anything, if I didn't I would lose weight 'yes, and you would please mother' the voice replied to my decision.

A/n: Review, tell my what you thought of it. PLEASE!! :)


	2. Personal Faults

DISCLAIMER: No I don't own anything Harry Potter

I gave up everything, all in the name of being thin. I went a week on gum and water, sure my stomach ached with hunger, and my teeth seemed to wear down with all the gum I had, but it was fine, really, I felt like I was empty, free to fly with weightlessness.

I felt power also, no longer did food control me! I chose what I put in my mouth carefully, sometimes I would read labels religiously, knowing that I controlled it, and that it would go no farther from the can or bag it was in.

I waited, no longed for the day my mom would finally comment on my improvement. It didn't come. I thought that maybe the gum was the problem, and with the 5 calories it contained, it would make me fat. So I stuck to water for most of a month, after many of dizzy spells, and a couple of black outs my efforts had paid off. Mom noticed.

"Hermione? Have you lost weight honey?" she asked in a somewhat shocked tone I praised myself inwardly. But outwardly I replied "not much mum, just been on a diet" funny thing was that she didn't seem to be too pleased. It was if she was upset. Maybe I hadn't lost enough weight, maybe I needed only six more pounds and I'd be perfect? Yes that was it, only six pounds and then I would be perfect, no more of the ugly fat girl I saw constantly, I would finally be perfect. Ok honey, just don't go to any extremes. Was her reply. Extremes? How extreme could you get to be perfect?

As days changed into weeks I felt weak. I craved foods that I hadn't thought of in a long time. Hours at a time I would fantasize about what a donut would taste like, or maybe a slice of pizza. But oh the fats and carbs!! I could not stand the thought. Though they haunted me greatly, I needed to be in control, I could not let food get in the way of being perfect.

It slammed into me hard, this great need for sustenance. I was at my target weight wasn't I? Couldn't I have something filling to eat? Even the smallest things would work. And so I gave in to the treachery of my body. I ate everything I could find. Within fifteen minutes I had **inhaled **all that could be eaten. Cereal was eaten to the last crumb, yogurt to the last spoonful, and leftover chicken are just some examples. It wasn't enough! I needed more. Bring the pizza, donuts, popcorn, chocolate, and the toast. All of which I had, and all of which I was ashamed once I had time to think of what I had done.

I looked at the remains of the boxes I had torn in my hast to get the food out quickly. I am an animal. A beast to which could not be filled! I was extremely disgusted, how could I have thrown perfection away in a quick sweep? After all the time I had spent working on it, it had gone so quick, was it possible. I looked down and lifted my shirt. Yes it was quite possible, by the looks of the bulge my stomach made.

I cried that night, sobbed really. I had committed the ultimate sin, I had given into my own temptation. I was a sickening being, and I should be punished. I closed my eyes against the images that exploded into my mind. Pictures of myself, and what I probably now looked like. I got up in a frenzy, I had to see the damage to which I caused. Yes it was there, back to taunt me why couldn't I have peace?

I delicately undressed careful not to look at myself any longer, careful not to touch my ugly skin. I needed to clean myself of the mess I had made. I scrubbed hard till the skin was raw. I was furious with myself, I finally looked down and snapped. I beat my stomach mercilessly, beat all I could see until all was but a red glob. Exhausted, I cried when I dressed and went to sleep. What should I do? How would I fix this? I couldn't, I had brung in upon myself, and I would sure find a way. Another eight pound would fix it. Yes eight pounds and I would be fine. But what of my weight. I tensed. What if I had gained all the weight back? Oh God show mercy upon me please!!

I figured it out. I would go out he next day and buy a scale. Instead of using other peoples, all of which knew nothing. And so I slept thinking of the many calories I had consumed.

AN: Well that was chapter 2. I know it might be depressing and even a little intense. But that is what it has to be! Don't worry I will be bringing more into the story than just her stuggles.

To answer a question I got: Hermione is the main character. Sorry if I didn't point that out in the first place. But I found no place to put it :) Also sorry about the long delay, I was having trouble trying to put all of this into a story.

Also I'd like to thank the following great reviewers :Brittny, gherkin, Diggle, ME, and sundaym0rning. You all were very nice, thank you for great comments!

God Bless Padfootfan


	3. AUTHOR

Gosh I am so sorry about the long delay, I was somewhat discouraged that some thought that this was not a believable character and not true to the essence of Hermione. I am planning to get back into writing more but I would like a little advise on how to make this character more believable... What makes her not believable? Her eating disorder or her thoughts? I am truly confused to what you expect an anorexic young woman to be. I will probably go back and change my mistakes and strengthen the impact of Hermione's parents opinion. I do not have a father figure so I do not know how a father would act in this situation so I suppose I will research. So yes please put your opinion on why she is not believable. My thanks goes out to those of you who have stayed with me this long, I am extremely grateful!

**Padfootfan**


	4. Chapter 3

AN: Ok so tonight I've been struck by my muse. I will try harder to think of Hermione and her characteristics while writing this. I am sorry for the reviewers who thought this wasn't true to her character. I wanted to show a side of Hermione that not many had written about. There is more to Hermione than just a bookworm so I decided to expand on that. This chapter may be confusing because it will be in different point of views, bare with me people!

**Chapter 3:**

I've gotten my letter! They day it came I was completely ecstatic, I am going to be "home." Now , however, Im starting to re-think all of this. Harry and Ron don't seem to need me much anymore. Maybe it would be best if I didn't go? What if I were a burden to them? I don't know all these thoughts are building in my mind... it's a bit overwhelming.

Today we are going to Hogsmeade to gather my school things. I know that Harry and Ron have been ignoring me but I so wish that I will see them! I know though, that if I see Ginny with them the knife in my heart will only twist more.

I wonder what maid them hate me... I know I am a book-worm but they didn't seem to mind all these years! **I feel so useless. **Maybe I am not worth anyone's time, really. I don't want to think about such things though. I think I will go read Hogwarts A History to soothe me.

**Later that day :Hogsmeade**

The sun was shining, and the children were at play. Witches tottered about, watching the children and talking about the latest in Witches Weekly. The wizards hung back to talk of "manly things." It was a good day, for many it would seem. In the middle of all this was Draco, Draco Malfoy.

He was standing about two feet behind his father, who by the looks of it, was doing some illegal bidding. Draco had no expression other than the slight twitch of the lips every few minutes. He was watching the go about of the people and found them humorous.

He was looking for anyone to talk his boredom awayanyone would do, he was **that **desperate. Crabbe and Goyle seemed to be a bit preoccupied with watching a display for children. The invention was a mouse that would scurry about, squeak, and then disappear only to appear on the viewers shoulder. The children were in hysterics , which of course was warranted, but to see those two bumbling idiots holding the stitch in their sides was quite a site.

Draco snorted. Those two were a good laugh at times, but not really worth the time to watch. His eyes shifted to Junkos where he had seen a flash. It was Potter and Weasley, the flash was presumably Potters glasses.

They seemed to be talking to a female, who by the looks of it was a bit flushed from the conversation. Draco wasn't really paying attention to her until she turned around. He had first thought it was Granger, but no... there stood Weaslette in her place.

This was indeed an interesting turn of events. Where on earth was buck-toothed Granger? Surely she was trailing about with a book bag the size of a small car. Nevertheless, she was not in sight. There! amongst the crowd he spotted her.

To say she was different would only be half of it. Her hair was no longer puffy, in its place was curly locks of brown. She seemed skinnier as well... not that one could really tell with all those layers she had on! His eyes traveled to her face, as if by magnetic force. There he met something disturbing, her face was gaunt. Her eyes stood out the most. While big they did not seem to hold that certain sparkle they once did.

Draco scoffed. Since when did he care or even notice a sparkle? She was definitely beneath him, and deserved not recognition.

Hermione's POV

'Jesus its cold! Why did I even come out here anyways? People are just looking at me and my fat. I wonder if they noticed that I'm not with Harry and Ron. Everyone is looking at me, I can feel it. They must see how huge my legs are, or oh god maybe they see my double chin! This is so embarrassing I wish I ...'

There stood Harry and Ron. Between them was Ginny ,her arms around their shoulders. Hermione was stricken. 'Should I go over there and say something? Surely they cant hate me so much...'

Hermione walked up to them ... and was greeted with looks of disgust. "Hello Harry, Ron" Hermione nodded to each. They stood there starring at her, wishing shed leave. Finally after a few very uncomfortable seconds Harry answered her. " 'ello Hermione, doing alright?" he didn't really seem to care though.

She was crushed! What could she do but gap at them like a fish? "Oi! are you done staring? We were in the middle of a Quidditch discussion" Ron seem to glow red, from ears to neck. Hermione didn't know what to do, her voice seemed to have left her. Just when she was about to answer she was interrupted.

" Well if it isn't the Golden Trio. And what's this? Granger being replaced by that mouse? Oh this is just too good!" Draco drawled out. Hermione couldn't think, her heart seemed to constrict more every passing second. Malfoy had only been there a few minutes and already he had spotted what she couldn't for so long.

Hermione just stood motionless, for what could she do? Finally, to save grace, she looked at them all. Her gaze fell on the new 'Trio.' " So its true? You really have replaced me with Ginny? Why! What did I do wrong? Please tell me." She all but sobbed the last part out. "Don't you get it Granger, they don't need you anymore. They were using you for your intelligence most likely" Draco sneered at her.

"Bloody hell Malfoy! that's a little much. To put it lightly Hermione we just got.. tired of being bossed about and such. Sometimes you can just be so annoying! And you don't know anything about Quidditch, that right there is just insane!"

All that Hermione could think of then was just getting out of there. With her eyes overflowing with tears she fled. She had to get out of there! Her only friends had told her she was annoying... what could she do?

AN: And this is where I stop... That's the most I have ever written! Woot woot happy dance I was going to end the chapter a while ago but hey I love yall! I tried getting all the stuff I needed to continue on from in this chapter. Oh could anyone tell me if I misspelled any HP words? I haven't read it in a while blush so please help me out! I am not good with dialogue and such but please bare with me. I have been studying writing formats so I hope this chapter is more likeable than the last ones. Ok to the reviewers: **Madding**, I am sorry that my fiction isn't up to HP standards. I thought that the premise of fanfiction was to take a character and come up with things that aren't really in the books. Im making her my own! Muhahaha. So yeah R/R and tell me what you think. kisses


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